Our 3-Year-Old’s Maddening Approach to Life’s Setbacks Is Filling Me With Dread

Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. My husband and I have a 3-year-old daughter, “Charlotte,” who has been a crier from day one. As a baby, she was hypersensitive to everything, and even now, she responds with meltdowns to minor disappointments (block tower falling over; being told she can’t have cookies for lunch). We originally wanted to have three kids, but now we’re contemplating keeping it to just her because we dread what it would be like to deal with our perpetual tantrum throwing AND a new baby. Is there anything you can recommend to help Charlotte learn? Remember that 3 years old is still pretty young. You mention she’s been sensitive since she was born. But it’s not uncommon for babies and toddlers to just … well, cry a lot. They don’t yet have the words to express their emotions, whether they’re hypersensitive or not. Plus, what we might consider to be a minor disappointment could feel like a huge one in their world. Not getting the lunch I’ve been craving all morning? I mean, that’s huge to me! Try helping Charlotte by validating her feelings and then, when possible, help her find the words. Next time she busts into tears over cookies, you can say, “I know you really wanted those cookies. I know. We’ll have a snack after.” And when the block tower falls: “Do you want me to help you rebuild your block tower? You can say, ‘Can you help me?’ and I will.” You also mention that this experience has changed your mind about having more kids. That’s your right, of course. I’d just caution that all kids are different. I was a huge crier as a kid, and my younger brother was not. My best friend has twins: One is an emotional crier, and one is not. You just never know, so I’d keep that in mind as you make your decisions. My husband and I moved to an East Coast suburb about six years ago from a large city. About two years ago, my husband and I became close to another family—let’s call them Amy and Gary. They are outgoing and popular in the community, and our children loved playing with their kids, who are similar ages. We celebrated our birthdays and other big events and even went on a family vacation together. They would introduce us to other friends in their circle as their “best friends.” After the vacation, I started to notice that it was always us initiating our get-togethers with Amy and Gary.

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