My Sister-in-Law Is a Scandalous Woman. But She Doesn’t Deserve What the Family Is Doing to Her Now.

Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. My sister-in-law is a very loud, crass woman. She eats with her mouth open, gossips, tells inappropriate stories, and allows her kids to run wild. She’s also really good to and for my brother, which is worth a lot to me as he deserves some kindness. The problem is that people are shunning her. If I have a party or organize something, friends and family will delicately tease out whether she (and her kids) are invited too and, if so, make excuses for why they can’t come. My parents recently had an anniversary party and “forgot” to invite my brother because otherwise a lot of other people wouldn’t come. I get it, but it feels so awfully unkind. I’m not sure if I should address this with my brother or reach out to our wider circle and ask for some compassion. Is this something that I just cannot fix? The worst part is that I want her to feel welcome, but also find spending time with her wearisome. Two different issues are going on here. First, it’s uncomfortable for you to know that your sister-in-law is being shunned because you’re a compassionate person. Second, it’s uncomfortable for you to be around her because you don’t enjoy her antics. Be careful not to use the first part as an excuse not to address the second part. Because the first part actually doesn’t require any action from you at all. Your SIL gets to be married to your brother, and that’s working for her. Your brother gets a wife who treats him well, and that’s working for him. And your friends and relatives are taking care of their own needs by choosing not to be around their loud, crass, gossiping relative when they don’t feel up to it. So they’re taken care of too! Despite what’s going on behind the scenes, there’s no indication that anyone is unhappy, and there’s definitely no need for you to try to fix things. Plus, you probably wouldn’t have much luck telling your brother to change his wife’s personality or begging the others to tolerate her annoying presence for the sake of kindness. You’d only make enemies and hurt feelings. The part that you can address, if you choose to, is how wearisome you find spending time with her. But the solution is pretty simple: You are free to be less available to hang out with her in the same way everyone else is. Or, if you really care enough about her and your brother to invest in the relationship, you could encourage some small changes that would make your time together easier on you. To be clear, I don’t mean telling her, “I have to be honest, you’re totally insufferable. Could you tone it down for the love of God?” Try saying something like, “For Labor Day, why don’t we all meet up at a park instead of my place, since there will be more room for the kids to run around and be kids?” (this way you don’t have to worry about the consequences of her lack of supervision, and her loud talking might be easier to handle when you’re not in an enclosed space) or responding “OK that’s a little bit TMI, Sandy!” to her inappropriate stories and “I don’t really want to talk about him while he’s not around” to her gossip. I can’t help you with her open-mouth chewing, except to suggest less formal seating arrangements that don’t trap anyone in a spot with a direct line of sight to her masticated food. But the idea is that you can make choices about how you engage with her that make things a bit easier on you and discourage the tendencies you don’t enjoy. Attacking these issues gently from several different angles—and also reminding yourself that none of them are hurting anyone, and that if we want family and community, we do have to put up with some qualities that we wouldn’t choose for ourselves—is the best way to make your time with her feel manageable without placing unrealistic expectations on her (or anyone else) to change. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Thanks! Your question has been submitted. I made the mistake of adopting my stepdaughter, “Jade,” when she was 7 after her deadbeat mom passed away. I found out her father was cheating on me with multiple women when she was 12. This was after I lost my pregnancy and was nearly suicidal. Even though I had been the primary caregiver, the courts gave Jade to her dad. Jade refused to see me as she got older and made the worst and most vile accusations against me. I had to get cameras inside and outside my home because Jade lied that I was hurting her or starving her, and once accused a family friend of making sexual advances toward her. She had met him once with his baby and wife in the room. The courts didn’t help. The cameras did. I gave up. I burned through my life savings trying to fight for Jade. People told me Jade would see the light when she grew up. When she was 22, my mother and my 12-year-old cousin were in a fatal wreck. I texted Jade to ask her to please at least text my family, even if she hated me; they loved her. Jade asked me about her will. I blocked her number. It has been over a decade, and I have slowly rebuilt my life. I tell people I had a horrible divorce and no children of my own. My ex was a manipulative bastard, but at a certain point in life, you have to take responsibility for your own actions. Jade is 33 now and reached out because she is pregnant. She isn’t in a good position since she and her boyfriend are unemployed, and my ex is on marriage number four at this point. Part of me wants to hope this is genuine. I loved Jade. Part of me wants to love her still, but I have been burned so badly. Is it even worth trying? I haven’t been able to sleep since Jade contacted me. I feel like I am back when I lost my baby, and the rest of the world crashed down on me. It feels to me like you may be too fragile right now to take a chance on a relationship with someone who has shunned you in the past, and who you suspect is reaching out because she’s in dire straits, not because she sincerely wants a relationship with you. If Jade breaks your heart again, how will you cope? There’s a possibility that she’s changed, but I just don’t feel confident that you—a person who has experienced so much loss and has so many raw emotional wounds—are well equipped to handle the fallout if she hasn’t. The prospect of you becoming close to her and bonding with her baby, only to see the relationship crumble again, feels overwhelming. That said, I know you still care about her and have some hope for reconciliation, so you can open the door a tiny bit. Before you do anything, decide how much money you are willing to part with to honor the connection you once had. Keep that number in your mind. Then get her on the phone and ask her how she’s been. Mostly listen. When the request for supper comes (and I think it will!), you can say “I can offer X dollars as a baby shower gift,” but anything more than that is out of my budget. If she expresses gratitude and continues to stay in touch in a pleasant way, get to know her again, little by little. If she lashes out or makes continued demands, you can be the one to do the blocking this time. Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point Prudie makes, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each week, Prudie will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site on Fridays for Slate Plus members. Write to us! Or submit a question here. My mother is planning on doing something that I think is extremely unwise. She and my father divorced when I was 6. When I was around 10, she began an affair with a married man, “Charles.” After about five years, Charles’ wife found out and threatened to leave him if he didn’t end things with my mom. He promised he would, but they continued seeing each other in secret. A little over a week ago, my mom learned that Charles had passed away. She is devastated and is adamant about attending the funeral. When I expressed my misgivings, she said not to worry—she has a good friend who is a professional make-up artist who she says will fix her up with a wig and prosthetics, and will darken her skin tone so she will be unrecognizable. I really think this is a terrible idea, and I’m extremely concerned an ugly scene will ensue if Charles’ wife were to recognize her. What can I do to try to talk some sense into her? If this is real, tell her to skip the blackface and wear a veil. I use Facebook pretty much exclusively for a local hobby group, and recently had a weird interaction that flowed over to real life. I posted a giveaway and “Ann” was one of the people who replied; I chose her randomly. In her message, Ann expressed some confusion about where I live (there are a few different cities in this area, and I’m nearest to one but have the address of another). It became apparent that she wouldn’t be willing to come get the giveaway. I told her that was fine, waited for her to respond to that message, and followed up with another person. After the item was picked up, I blocked Ann, which is not at all uncommon for me. The messages were a little weird—she wanted me to explain to her where I lived, even though I’d sent her my address and nobody has ever had problems getting to me, and then she wanted to tell me who to choose instead of her. But it got even more bizarre.

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