Help! For the Sake of My Career, I Need to Ask My Boyfriend to Do Something That Will Make Him Deeply Uncomfortable.

Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Dear Prudence archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions to Prudie here. I’m an adjunct professor in my mid-30s. I’ve been dating my boyfriend “Henry” for almost a year. I knew he goes to the college where I work, but he said he wouldn’t take any of my classes. One of the tenured professors is taking some time off due to illness and I’m going to be teaching her classes in the winter and spring quarters of next year. This is a huge professional opportunity for me with significant improvements to my employment possible depending on how I manage the increased responsibility. But Henry will be in these classes. I’m wondering how to handle it. The institution I work for doesn’t allow relationships between professors and people under their direct supervision. Even if I explain the situation and get the go-ahead, I’m afraid the appearance of impropriety will be a blow to me professionally. This relationship with Henry seems like it has legs. I don’t want to break it off. Should I just hide it? It seems like the smartest option but it feels wrong to be hiding a relationship in this day and age. Henry was hidden by a previous boyfriend and it really hurt him emotionally. I don’t want to do that to him. At the same time, he can’t leave these classes without setting back his graduation date significantly. If Henry’s worth it to you, you just have to come clean before the winter quarter starts. It’s hard for me to see how you could be hurt professionally for being honest. That actually seems very admirable to me! Whatever you do, don’t hide it. Lies just lead to more lies, will stress you out to no end, and may possibly ruin your reputation in a real way.But I also noticed something in your letter: This doesn’t seem to be a decision you and Henry are making together. Has he said whether he’d be willing to push back graduation, for example? It feels like if you were a serious couple and you truly saw a future together, you’d be weighing the pros and cons of a delayed graduation or a (possible) appearance of impropriety between the two of you. If, after a year, your relationship isn’t yet at the point where you’re thinking of yourselves as a unit and operating accordingly, I wonder if it’s worth the inconvenience to keep it going. From: Help! I Need to Hide My Relationship to Keep My Career Intact. (December 21st, 2022). Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Thanks! Your question has been submitted. I’m in an… unusual situation. You see, my best friend is also my ex. We dated two years ago for eight months, had an exceptionally close and loving relationship that both of us use as a yardstick for being treated well in our current relationships, and split amicably over the fact that I definitely want to be a foster parent and they definitely do not want to be a parent of any kind. We’re still very close, talking multiple times per day about topics ranging from biochemistry to food. The problem comes in mainly with the people that we date. Some refuse to believe that we’re not dating, and those get dumped fairly quickly. The same happens to those that ask us to cut contact. Others develop insecurities because they aren’t as important to us yet as our best friend, and well… yes? I’ve known you for a month and you talk to me thrice a week, and we have been best friends for four years and talked more than once nearly every day of that. Just because we kiss and I don’t kiss them doesn’t make you automatically more important.The most recent disasters are, on their end, someone who slowly stopped talking to them after meeting me and seeing us interact, and on my end someone who told me that I wasn’t allowed to prioritize my best friend over them. Is there any way to find people to date that won’t see our relationship as a threat? At this point, I’m considering exclusively pursuing people who are OK with poly relationships, not because I want one, but because it’s my last-ditch idea for finding someone that won’t bolt or get jealous. —In a Queer Platonic Relationship, Maybe? I actually think you’re onto something with finding people who are OK with poly relationships. “I only broke up with this person because of incompatibility over foster parenting, not because I didn’t have feelings for them, so I still have all the same feelings, we talk all the time, and they are going to be more important than you forever because I’ll always have known them for longer” could understandably be a tough pill to swallow for someone who has a more traditional and monogamous view of dating. Other kinds of dating pools you could tap into might include: People who also have an ex as a best friend and people who are extremely busy, fundamentally non-jealous, and are happy you have someone else to occupy you when they aren’t around. But do you know what I think is really happening? You just haven’t met anyone you like as much as your ex. If you did, you would naturally begin to prioritize them more, not “because we kiss” but because you would be so excited about them and value them and the future you might have together. So just wait it out. From: Help! No One Understands Why I Prioritize My Friendship With My Ex Over Everyone Else. (December 20th, 2022). Is there anything normal to say after someone calls you “nice”? I don’t think I’m a nice person, but at work (mall food court), I’m very cheerful, I do my best to compliment people if I like their clothing—not in a creepy way, just like “cool hat!” —and I’m a people-pleaser, so if they ask for anything I try to fulfill their request. I’ve done those things and afterward, my co-workers have said stuff like “you’re so nice I could never” or “oh she’s so nice.” I like my coworkers, but I can’t tell if they’re being sincere or if it’s sarcastic or making fun or what, and I don’t know what to say to them. What’s something neutral to say? Should I stop telling people I think their hats are cool? Please help. Here I go, acting like the unhelpful parent of a middle schooler again: Just continue to be yourself! Don’t worry about what they say! Seriously, you’re probably right that some of your co-workers may be being a bit judgy. But don’t stop. This quality of yours—wanting to do something that costs you nothing to make people’s day a little brighter—is a good one. It’s going to make your life more meaningful and bring a lot of people joy long after you’ve left the food court. From: Help! Strangers Are Harassing Me on the Street Over My Newest Fashion Purchase.(December 17th, 2022). My brother (a 36-year-old man) is engaging in behavior that I (a 26-year-old woman) find creepy, and I’m trying to figure out what, if anything, I can do to dissuade him. This past spring, he broke up with his 28-year-old girlfriend, and over New Year’s he introduced me to his new girlfriend. Prudence, she’s 19.

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